In the Light
by Ryuuen Chou
Summary: Reflections of a released prisoner, and the one who saved him. Songfic with "Lies" by Evanescence. Some spoilers.


**In the Light**

by Ryuuen

Warnings: very light (_read: hinted_) shounen-ai (Sanzo/Goku), dark/mature themes, language, spoilers.

A/N: Mm. I was reading through some lyrics, and found a song that I had originally planned to use for a Gojyo-centric fic, but looking at them a second (fiftieth?) time, I realized that they suited the relationship between Goku and Sanzo much better. Although I had sworn to myself never to write this pairing... (hah, I do that a lot, ne?) I did anyway. The song is "Lies" by Evanescence. I hope you enjoy it. Please read and review, and C&Cs are welcome.

Note: The POV changes from Goku's to Sanzo's, alternating with each part of the fic. I hope it isn't too confusing.

"shoureiju" is the banishing gun

"Sanbutsushin"arethe Three Aspects

**IN THE LIGHT**

"_Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear, sealed with lies through so many tears, lost from within, pursuing the end, I fight for the chance to be lied to again..._"

I don't know how long I waited there... it was cold sometimes, too hot others, and I was really hungry, but of course there wasn't anything to eat... this was a prison, one I couldn't get out of no matter how hard I tried. I didn't even know why I was there. What had I done so wrong? I had been here for too long, I wanted out. I wanted to stand out there, in the sun. I wanted to see more of the world than the blank, blue sky. It was awful. I couldn't even see a single tree. And the only time anything else had ever come to me, it was this little bird, but... I think it died. I'm not sure... I wanted to reach it, but I couldn't, my chains were too short. I came to a couple inches, and if I had just a little more chain, I would have been able to see, and maybe to save the poor thing, but I couldn't... I cried for it. It was just... sad. Really sad. That poor little free thing, that could have been flying all the way to heaven, had died instead, here with me in my rock prison. It just wasn't fair. It wasn't fair!

It felt like another really long time before anything else happened, but I don't know how long. Sanzo says I was in that cave for five hundred years, but I don't really know. I don't remember how much time passed, really... but it was a really long time. I know that much. I thought I would never be free, ever... until that one day. I remember, I don't know what I was doing, but I wasn't looking up until I heard that voice. Somehow in my memories, his voice wasn't as harsh as it is now. I hope it isn't my fault it got like that. His voice is really pretty.

"**_Hey... are you the one who's been calling me?_**" he asked, and when I looked up he was there. It seemed like he was glowing somehow, I don't know. He reminded me of sunlight. The sunlight I had longed for all of my life here, all the life I could remember. Even his hair was golden. Just like the sun!

"**_Huh? I haven't been calling anyone... who are you?_**" I wondered, looking up at him still. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, afraid that if I did, he'd disappear, like he was never even there to begin with. Like he was just something my mind came up with, because I was feeling so alone. But I hoped he was really a person. I really did.

"**_You're lying. I've heard you all this time,_**" he said, looking down at me with those purple eyes of his, so cold they could burn sometimes, if you weren't really careful, especially about how you approached him. "**_Now cut the act. It's annoying. After all, you're going to be staying with me for a while. It's not as if I have any choice._**"

And then he reached out a hand to me, to bring me up out of the darkness. And I took it, and the chains fell away like they were nothing. Because he had set me free.

"_You will never be strong enough. You will never be good enough. You were never conceived in love. You will not rise above._"

I could hear their whispers, even before everything happened. "**_What is he trying to pull? Who does he think he is? He doesn't belong here!_**" they said, when they thought that I couldn't hear them. But I heard every word, and it only made me despise them more. Gossiping bastards. I can't stand people like that, even now. I was just the river's bastard to them. River Orphan Kouryuu. How obvious was it that I had no family to care for me, even far away? How obvious that since I had no past and no place of origin but a river that spanned so many miles, that I couldn't have any future? To them, these things were taken as the truth. But after all that happened... the whispers changed. It was no longer indignance and jealousy, but still the envy, and this time blame. They wanted so badly to blame me for my master's death, but they couldn't find any proof to actually put any guilt on me. Which I guess was a good thing, although I didn't really care. I really couldn't be bothered to give a damn about their little games and gossip. It didn't concern me in the least, anyway. But I left as soon as I could, taking only the Maten Sutra and the shoureiju with me, my only real possessions. I left, and I had no intention of ever going back. To that place... the memories that pull at my heart on rainy nights are more than enough of a reminder of that day. I don't ever want to set foot in that room again... no matter what I tell others, that would be too much pain. I don't need such things. The memories themselves are more than enough.

I wandered alone for a time, I don't remember exactly how long. But I remember that after a while, I would hear this voice in my head. Calling me. At first, I didn't know where it came from, and I followed aimlessly what clues I could find, fully intent on finding whoever it was who called me and hitting them over the head so hard they wouldn't be able to call me again as long as they lived. I never did take well to annoyances. But after a while, the voice became clearer, even more insistant and thus, more annoying. I sought out the source, and this time the path led me right to the caller. But as soon as he looked up at me, with such a dumbfounded and wondering expression, I lost the will to hit him. Instead, I took him with me, since I knew that if I didn't, I would never hear the end of it. I couldn't stand being called like that, so I decided to eliminate the possibility of his calling again by taking him with me. It made sense, even if it turned out to possibly be one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. But no, the worst mistake I ever made was accepting that damned mission from the Sanbutsushin in the first place. But it's not like I had a choice... if they have the Seiten Sutra, I'll get it back no matter what. I could care less about saving the world or whatever, but I'm not going to be picky. I'll pick up the Sanbutsushin's problems if it helps me in the long run.

In the meantime, though... that was how I got stuck with the companion I have now. It's an almost anti-climatic beginning, to a story like this.

"_But through my tears breaks a blinding light, birthing a dawn to this endless night. Arms outstretched, awaiting me, an open embrace upon a bleeding tree..._"

When he saved me, I'm not sure what I was expecting. I think what I got was probably a lot different, though. So, I started traveling with that glowing person then, Sanzo... he drew me out into the sun, and I swear he almost smiled when I started looking around for the real sun. I climbed a little farther up the mountain, just to stand properly in the sunlight, right in it. I stayed there until Sanzo came up and pulled me down again. It was funny, you know... like we knew each other already, the minute we met. I don't know why it felt that way, but... I already knew him, kind of. In a way. I knew how he was, and I could tell a lot of things from just watching him. It's weird, when I met the others, I felt that way, too... only I think it was stronger, with Sanzo. A stronger feeling. But that might just be because he was the one who found me. I'm not really sure. Anyway, we ended up traveling together. Sanzo said it was because he didn't want me calling him again, and he just glared at me when I told him I hadn't called him, and told me not to lie to him. I really wasn't calling him... well, I wasn't trying to. I kind of wanted to call for someone, anyway... but I was so high up, I knew no one'd hear me, anyway, and even if they did, I didn't think they'd really come. It's an awfully long way up the mountain, to that place.

Sometimes I think I have this secret fear. I think, maybe Sanzo is like that bird. The one that died, that was so pretty and yellow and free. I always say I only live for myself, but I think it's kind of a lie. I think I might die for Sanzo, if it came down to it. I think... but I don't want him hurt.. I don't want to see him die! He's the beautiful shining thing that drew me right out of my prison. He's like that bird could've been, if it hadn't died. I don't want him to die like that. I don't want to reach out to save him and find out that I'm just a few inches too far away, and I just can't make it. I don't know if I could stand something like that happening... I don't even like to think about it. It hurts, I think.

I guess it's just the reminder in my head... he's human, he can die, just like that... that makes me think like that. Every time he gets hurt, I get reminded of how he's of a kind weaker than the youkai we kill every day. He's a lot stronger than other humans, of course; I mean, he's Sanzo! But he still is human, and he's still as fragile as a human. And he can still die, so easily. I feel bad thinking of it, knowing if I ever said anything, Sanzo would hit me so hard with that fan that I'd see stars for an hour, but I can't help it sometimes. I just don't want anything to happen to him.

After all... he was the one who saved me, right?

"_Rest in my and I'll comfort you; I have lived and I died for you; Abide in me and I vow to you, I will never forsake you._"

It's a simple question, really. I remember one night, he looked up at me and asked me that. "**_You'll never leave me, will yah, Sanzo?_**" His tone was so innocent, wondering. I think there might have been a little fear in that voice, but I've never been a good judge of people like that, people like him. The only people I'm a good judge of are the sinners and the cruel ones, the envious and the hurtful. The ones for whom there is no going back. I guess that's why I understand Hakkai so much better than I understand Goku and Gojyo. I guess, being a priest, I should understand Goku better than I do... because what are priests supposed to be, but pure as the untrod on snow? Hn. Sometimes I half wish I could be like that, so naive. Other times I think I just can't stand to be around people like that for another minute, or I'll kill them all. Those naive ones, the innocents who don't understand cruelty, who ask things like, "**_Why would someone do such a thing?_**". I can't stand them and their ignorance. It's almost painful to look at them and listen to them. How foolish are they, that they don't understand the suffering of this world? I think I prefer the sinners. At least we have something in common.

But he was still looking at me while I thought about this, his amber-gold eyes demanding an answer without actually saying anything. Finally, shaking my head, I said, "**_Even if I did, it wouldn't do any good. You'd just follow me anyway._**" It seemed to be as good an answer as he was expecting, because he smiled once I'd said it. And then he promised me that he wouldn't leave me. To which I replied that I wished he would, but I don't think he believed me. Hell, I don't even know if I believe myself about that. Sometimes it's hard to place my own feelings regarding that monkey. He's the most annoying person in the world to me, and yet I could have killed him a thousand times, or failing that, abandoned him somewhere or other and gone someplace he'd never find me... and yet, for whatever reason, I never did.

I guess it's because of the stupid promise I made to myself, all that time ago, back before I realized how truly annoying he was, when he still followed me like a puppy dog and was quiet about it (now, he follows me around like a particularly loud and annoying puppy dog). I promised myself that I wouldn't run away from him like I did other people. I promised I would stick by him until he didn't need or want me to anymore. It was a stupid promise, one I never should have made, but I was still young and very, very dumb back then.

I guess I'm still dumb, if I really expect to keep that promise.

"_They'll never see, I'll never be.. I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger, burning deep inside of me..._"

He promised he wouldn't leave... well, he never said it in so many words, but I knew what he meant. He would leave for a while, and I worried sometimes when he was gone, but he always came back. Always. I was happy when he came back, especially since the other priests at the temples never really liked me very much. I didn't mind so much that they didn't like me, but it was Sanzo I waited to see, and it was his opinion that really mattered - even if he never actually said what he meant. He's never been really good at that, I think. Then again, he's always trying to pretend he's a lot meaner than he really is... don't get me wrong, he's plenty mean, but he's just not as mean as he lets on. If he was, we never would've made it as far as we did. He would've killed us all. Right? He doesn't really dislike us all as much as he says he does, I don't think... or at least, I don't think so.

I guess, back then, I was just always afraid that the day would come when he wouldn't come back. Even when we're traveling, I'm a little afraid I'll wake up and he'll be gone. Like the bird, that he'd be alive and free one minute, and gone the next. I know he hates to hear it, but he is only human. And humans are really easily hurt, aren't they? A lot more than youkai, even. Sanzo keeps getting hurt all the time, too... but he always pulls through. Maybe it's because of Hakkai's healing, or maybe it's got something to do with his being a Sanzo, but even when it seems like he'll never open his eyes again, he wakes up. It's funny, I guess, even though it's actually a little bit sad at the same time. Because we all worry a lot about him (even Gojyo, but the stupid kappa'll deny it if you ask him), and he gets hurt a lot, but he never has any... Hakkai said the word is regard... for when he gets hurt. He's up and moving as soon as he can, even if it must hurt like hell, and he keeps coming close to tearing open the wounds again, but he doesn't seem to care. And it takes Hakkai a lot of effort to close those wounds. I think it actually frustrates Hakkai a little bit, too. I dunno. I think, when he gets up, I'm always just glad he's okay. He's not dead, and it's not as bad as it could be.

Because... you know, I hafta wonder sometimes. What would I do _without_ Sanzo? I don't know.

"_Rest in me and I'll comfort you; I have lived and I died for you; Abide in me and I vow to you..._"

Maybe it's too much to ask. I think it probably was. He's asking me to keep him by my side for longer than I've ever had anyone with me before, excluding my master. He wants forever, but I can't give that to him and he knows it. I can't give him what isn't mine to hand out. Besides, it would be annoying, wouldn't it, to have that brat following me around all the time? But it's not like I have a choice in the matter. My mind was made up for me, a long time ago. He'll follow me anyway, even if I try to tell him off. That much I learned early. I guess it's just something else, another annoyance to deal with. I don't think I mind as much as I could, though. He's been with me this long, and even if he's annoying, at least it's a constant annoyance, not one that only comes out sometimes, shocking you into rage. A constant annoyance is something you can get used to. And there are times when he's not as annoying as he could be. So I think it all works out.

The biggest question would be... would I die for him? For Goku? I don't think so. I like to think not. But more than once, I think I've come close. I think there are times when I would have. It's stupid, of course. I'm not supposed to feel anything for anyone, other than hatred. I made myself that way. I don't want to care about anyone, especially not someone as dumb and annoying as he is. But I don't really have a choice. As much as I loathe it, my heart makes it's own decisions. I hate that part of me so much, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Who knows. Maybe in the future, this will all work out. I don't like to think of the future or the past, though. But did I make him that promise? Did I tell him I would stay with him? ...I guess I did. But still...

Promise of the future or not, I live only in the now.

"_...I will never forsake you._"

--**owari**--


End file.
